Thank you and Goodnight

Some of you may have noticed that I've taken a break from blogging. I needed it, as it was becoming a chore to write new posts and attempt wittiness and worry about alienating people, and saying the wrong thing, and frankly, I wasn't enjoying it anymore.



In addition, it's been well-documented on this blog that when I start interneting for fun, I get nothing done for the rest of the day. And it's completely true: when I use the internet to look things up and apply for jobs, I don't spend much time online, and I get to actually live my life, instead of researching the things I want to do. Plus, as I send out more and more applications, I've been wondering how blogging would fit into my life when I'd work 40 hours a week, and work out, and plan a wedding, and still learn to cook and work on my crafting, and realized that I can't do it all. And since working, exercise, wedding planning, crafting, reading, and learning to cook all give me a much better sense of accomplishment (which in turn, leads to a more confdent and less neurotic Tricia), while blogging doesn't make me feel like I've "done" something, and makes me feel like I've let the entire internet down by skipping workouts, I'm going to stop blogging.



Plus, on a more geeky level, I just got a Wii fit, and have been doing that in the mornings, when I should be blogging (I think it's fun and can contribute to overall health and weight loss through NEAT, but in itself is not a great workout, at least the way I use it). And frankly, it gives me meaningless computer-generated praise that for some reason is like crack to me. And pretending to hula hoop is more fun than writing.



I'll still be reading and occaisionally commenting on your blogs (again, there's the coming up with witty things), and I'll still be updating BridalJock once a week, at least until the thank-you notes are all sent. I may also beg for guest posting spots, and my e-mail will be checked at least every other day, so I'll still be up for "talking".



I'd like to thank everyone who, over the years of my blogging (yes, years, which is crazy for me to think about), have made it such a great experience, and I really do hope to keep in touch with everyone I've met through the internet.

Frustration

This week, I again fell short of my goal, because something's off with my gait. I managed to make all the muscles around my pelvis hurt, especially the back muscles on my right side, so I had to take the weekend off. Now, this drove me crazy for several reasons: 1. I'd just put my clients through "Tabata Fridays", where I come up with a series of exercises, and make them do tabatas of them (20 seconds work, 10 seconds rest, for 8 rounds. And you have to shoot for the same number of reps per round), and for a second, I thought "bad workout karma". 2, I'd promised myself that I would start working out on weekends, and 3, this happened while I was trying to run, which makes me question whether or not I should be trying to run.

The good news is, my back is fine, and I'm going to try again, this time trying to stay at at least a jog, and not alternate my speed too fast (I think the problem might be that I've been speeding up and slowing down too quickly, and my muscles have to move in ways that they wouldn't normally). I've added the less than two miles to my IOMyself log, and have promised myself that I'll make up that total this week.

There was also a positive note: I did yoga for the first time in ages. And I realized how stressed out I was: in between backbends, the lady on the DVD told me to relax, and I felt the muscles in my face relax. By the end of the deep relaxation, I felt like I'd just had a massage. It showed me that I needed to chill out (also that I've lost a lot of flexibility), and I enjoyed it so much that I know I'll be going back to frequent yoga as soon as possible (so tomorrow when I'm waiting for the coffee to brew).

Grrr

Okay, so when I rattled off a list of things that sucked out my motivation? I realized those things aren't nearly as bad as hopping on a bike and riding 6.5 miles (not a real bike, a gym "you're pedaling to nowhere" bike), and feeling ready to puke or nap. Or both. So instead of lifting, I went home and showered, and wanted to lay down in the tub and nap.


The good thing was, that although the workout was yucky and hateful, and I didn't get any endorphins out of the deal, I realized that I was so miserable because I was setting speeds for myself that were unrealistic, and pushing myself too hard. So on Thursday, I was back in the gym, this time finishing up the 20Km on the bike (6 miles. 20K is about 12.5 miles), and lifting (2 rounds of 20 pull-ups, and yes, I used the assisted ones, 30 push-ups, and 40 sit ups. Yes, I wussified a Crossfit workout). Then I left the gym, with my "lifting" unfinished (I wanted to do the real workout), but hitting 55 minutes working out, and keeping my transitions short. The only time I "rested" was when someone asked me about the assisted pull-up, and could I teach them to use it (I had no idea what they meant, so I showed them the weight stack that went with the machine, explained the physics, and then suggested that the woman talk to the front desk), or when my abs would not sit up any more. And when I cleaned my sweat off the machines and mats.

When I left, I felt like I could have pushed futher, but as I want to build up mommentum, I decided to go for an hour and leave after that hour. I even set my stopwatch, so that there would be no estimation needed (I hit start when I hit all the things in to program the bike, and stop when I stopped working out). Right now, I think that the key for me is to keep staying off the internet before going to the gym (it's seriously annoying, because I want to check my e-mail first thing in the morning, but I know that it's a gateway page), and to work on building up mommentum. I have decided to give myself a break on the guilt for the missed workouts by "owing" myself what I'd planned to do. Every week, I write in a notebook that I owe myself 10km on the treadmill, and 20km on the bike, plus 2 lifting sessions, and 2 yoga sessions. As I do them, I remove them from the list (the "owing myself" part is what's making it motivating. It makes me feel like I need to repay a debt, and also, I want the debt paid). If I don't do them, their totals get carried into the next week.


I've also decided to shoot for as many days in a row as possible for going to the gym. Now, while some of my workouts are intense, for this week, my goal is just to spend an hour in the gym each day (and I have to go to a dress trying on in a week, and BK and I are doing stuff on Saturday, so I know I'll be getting two days off in a week). Today, I'll be walk/running on the treadmill for an hour, and then maybe doing some yoga to stretch out. Tomorrow, I'll be updating Bridal Jock, so there's that anxiety-ridden joy to look forward to (in case any of you do look forward to it).

Have a good weekend! (anyone have plans?)

Terrible

It's been about a week and a half since I last worked out. Part of this is because I was sick, and when I wasn't dizzy, had no energy (all of last week). The other part of this (this week) is a conglomeration of reasons, not the least of which is because I'm not motivated. I am very motivated. But there are several motivation-killers in my life.

For starters, it's getting cold here. And my gym is close enough that it'd take me longer to drive to it than to walk. Which is fine, but my apartment complex hasn't turned the heat on yet (when that happens, due to the fact that BK and I live on the top floor, the apartment will be about 85 degrees Farenheit), but in the morning, I consider it a victory if I don't turn the coffeepot on then go back to the warm bed, and lacing up my shoes and heading over to the gym doesn't really occur to me as something I'm going to do until later in the day.


In addition, I've been deciding that, since the gym can be pushed back, I'll get other things crossed off my to-do list. And for some reason, I'll hop on the computer, knowing that I forget about everything when I'm online (to be fair, some of the things I need to get done happen online). The other problem with this has been that, because it's so cold, I'll also forget to eat, because cold trumps hunger in my world (I am a baby about cold. BK is never cold. When he first mentioned this to me, I seriously doubted if we were compatible. BK also loves it when it's cold, because I will snuggle him more. Well he calls it snuggling. I call it "leeching heat"). Now, it's an established rule here that if I'm not eating, I don't work out.

Lastly, BK has been working super crazy hours, and I don't see him. So when it gets to be 6:30ish, I don't want to work out, because he could come home soon, and I want to spend time with him. And why would I want to go to the gym where we don't really talk or get close when we can eat dinner and talk and snuggle/leech heat? Plus, if I do go to the gym and come back, and he isn't home yet, it freaks me out and leaves me more worried.


So I've decided to set the "No Internet Until I've Sweated" rule back into place. Because I don't need to go on the internet at a certain time. So instead, I'll eat breakfast and do other work, then do other work until it's okay for me to work out and won't result in my throwing up. Then I'll go to the gym, sweat for an hour or so, and come home, shower, and then allow myself to spend time on the computer.

As for the cold, I'll wear a sweatshirt there, and just carry it with me (Because I fail to see the need for me to have a locker, and don't want to deal with locks & such, when I can carry my keys and water bottle). And if that earns me the reputation as the gym's Linus (the kid from Peanuts who carried his blanket everywhere), then so be it.

Thinness is not the holy grail

The more blogs and articles I read, the more it seems like people have this idea that being fit is the solution to all their problems. And while it is true that I do generally feel better when I'm working out regularly (I feel like crap, and a good most of that is because I was sick and sleep deprived and didn't get a chance to get to the gym), I do not have a perfect life.

True, my outlook is rosier, and I tend to be more optimistic, but I'd be kidding myself if I didn't assume that the optimism was due to the endorphin rush, and the fact that I eat better when I work out, and am less likely to feel sluggish and dragged down. BK and I still fight, I still get stressed about my wedding, and the fact that I need a bigger pants size (thanks to no longer having an eating disorder. And no, I haven't gotten over myself and bought new pants) still drives me nuts, even if I know that I'm healthy.

And frankly, the implication that fit people have perfect lives bothers me, mainly because being fit is associated with being thin. It makes it seem as though any and every measure should be embraced in the pursuit of a smaller size, because naturally there is no way to be fit if you're larger than a size 6, even if you aren't able to fit into a size 6, unless you surgically decrease the space between your hipbones. Further, there is an implication that if you are thin, you are healthy, which is untrue.

There also seems to be a morality behind being healthy, but again, "health" means "thin". Honestly, if you mention that you're thinking of getting healthy, you'll get about 3 different diet suggestions, from low-carb, to the Zone, to South Beach, to Master Cleanse. No one suggests maybe training for a 5K, or some other fitnessy event that would enable you to improve a number of things that are unrelated to a scale.

And if you mention that you don't follow a set diet, but try to get to the gym and eat "mostly healthy", you get eye rolls and snorts and someone saying "oh, so you're not really trying". And it's frustrating, because I get eating disordered fairly quickly, and any diet that requires more than a passing notice of what's going into my mouth sends me into a scary place real fast. But that's not something you can tell a person that's a casual acquaintance, especially if you don't want to make a *thing* out of your eating habits (seriously. I told someone that I had had an ED, only to have them say "but you're eating french fries", as if the fact that I happen to be eating french fries means that I've never had any issues with food).

I'm not saying that people shouldn't strive to be healthy. It's great. But people need to understand that while eating habits are important to overall health, so is exercising regularly and getting enough sleep. And thinness isn't a cure-all: just because you wear a smaller pants size doesn't mean that you'll like your job more, or that all your financial problems will vanish, or even that you'll be healthier.

YAYAYAYAYAYAY

I just got a phone call. My wedding dress is in.

I reacted by dancing around my apartment and doing two victory pull-ups. This is a record, because my arms fully extended between the two pullups. And while I'm still congested, that doesn't matter so much any more.

Getting Better

On Thursday, I forced myself to rest more than I wanted to, and more than I'm used to. But it worked, because I feel much better. I also picked up some V8 fusion, even though I'm not a fan of juice, because of the sugar and the lack of fiber (compared to whole fruits).

I do think that I'll be drinking more juice in the future, not only because it's sweet, and it can kill a sugar craving, without being too unhealthy, but also because I've been trying to find something that I can take for energy during my morning workouts (which I've been phoning in), but that won't require me to stop and wait between ingesting the substance and working out. Plus, I figure that I'll burn the sugar off.

I've also decided to make a concerted effort to relax. Not in the sit around, take bubble baths type of relax, but in everyday life. I tend to get stressed out incredibly easily, and make things bigger than they are, which I think is why I tend to get sick more often than others, despite the fact that I work out regularly and eat right, and I've also noticed some obsessive compulsive behavior (for example, whenever I see a split end, I need to cut it. I have no idea why, but there was a mini-freak-out in an airport when I saw a strand of hair that was split about 15 times, and couldn't cut it, because I was in an airport, and had no scissors. I ended up ripping that stand of hair out.

Unfortunately, because I can relax during yoga and meditation, it's not a matter of just incorporating more yoga/meditation time into my day. It's more a matter of getting out of my head, and the constant nervous thoughts. So I've been wearing my shuffle more when running errands (with the volume on low, so that I hear cars and such), as it stops a lot of chatter (for example, at the grocery store, if something passes my minimum requirement for entry into my apartment, I'll wonder if the sugar content is still to high, or whatever).

I'm going to periodically consciously remind myself to take deep breaths and have good posture and relax my shoulders and all that jazz, and hopefully, after a few months, I won't constantly deal with anxiety about every little thing.